Saturday, November 28, 2009

No Peace in Death

I realize I have not posted in a while, not because I haven't been doing well (1.5 pounds down in the past two weeks), but because I have a post that has been nagging at me, and, frankly, I don't want to write it. On the other hand, until I get it out of the way, I won't be motivated to write anything else, so here it goes.

On October 4th of this year, my 24 year old cousin died. Well, he didn't just die, he chose to die, and my mind has been fighting that decision for almost two months now. The first month was really bad, I basically kept the girls alive and that was it. This month has been better, but my motivation can be pretty low at times. What really pisses me off about this is that I know that if I start working out regularly, if I eat according to program all the time I will not only lose weight, but I will be better equipped to deal with this and come out the other side a better person. The thing is, I can't seem to work up enough momentum to give myself a shot at any sort of work out routine.

The second problem is I am having major issues accepting my cousin's suicide as fact. Nobody in our family saw this coming he had no known mental issues. He was so kind, so loving and came from a family who loved and supported him. Despite this, he decided that death was easier than life and left us to deal with the aftermath, and frankly, I am not dealing with it very well.

So this is where my head space is. There is not a day when I do not think about him, pray for him and his family and grieve the loss he has inflicted upon us. There is also not a day when I do not think about what I need to do to get better, to be healthy, to become stronger. Having said that, my goal for this week is to keep trying, to build up that momentum and then keep going. I will keep setting that alarm for 6am and tell myself I will get up, I will work out, and I will do that over and over until it becomes a habit. I am not sure what will happen then, but I will cross that bridge when I get to it. One step at a time.


MOM said...

Wow! I hope to use your momentum to help me with my planning.

Anonymous said...

That's intense Cara ... I'm feeling this with you as well ... it's hard to write these feelings in words. I'm thinking of you and cheering you on for support in your journey. (I made it 2 workouts this week so far - better than the once for the previous 2 weeks.) One day at a time.
Auntie Paula